Capital punishment for Vizag

This article appeared 11 Aug 2013 in the Times of India. I forgot to put it on my blog. As they say "better late than never" so here it is.


http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/visakhapatnam/Capital-punishment-for-Vizag/articleshow/21754914.cms

Capital Punishmaent

August 2013

I would rather be willing for a dentist to be drilling

Ever since the Andhra Pradesh separation story broke upon us, every gathering seems to focus on this subject. Last week I sat in a dentist’s chair, getting my new crown fixed - the type that goes on teeth not on the head - and I could hear the topic come up again. Unfortunately as the pros and cons of the contentious issue swirled around me, I was restrained from giving my opinion as my mouth was full of dental instruments. I did of course emit a few grunts of assent or dissent as the procedure progressed to let the others know that I had an opinion too and to signal to the dentist that I was still alive. Last night we met at a friend’s watering hole and of course the subject bubbled up again. Like lava from a volcano, hydrogen sulphide and all. Here is a gist of what was discussed.

Of traffic & rallies

Old timers of Vizag peered into the future and opined that making Vizag a state capital was asking for trouble. Vizag residents want some peace and quiet. No one wanted self-important politicians from rushing around the city from Maharanipeta to Choultry and from Siripuram to Aseelmetta with a 50 car cavalcade, flashing lights and baa-beep-baa-beep sirens. Capitals tend to have a surplus of politicians who take over the city and trample all over its docile citizens.

Capitals love rallies. Every few days thousands of “supporters” from the hinterland, induced by biryani packets, water sachets, some cash and a chance to spend time on the beach road will be shipped into the city to show support for one party or the other. We will have more loud speakers, more trucks, and more people taking toilet breaks at the road side than ever before. Do we really want this? Do we need to go on an ego trip or do we want to pursue happiness in true Vizag style? And every true Vizagite knows what I mean.

Capital camp snobbery

Visiting Hyderabad from Vizag is a sort of prestigious thing, it has certain snob value. Officials love saying that they are off for a “camp” at Hyderabad. It sort of implies that they are rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty and doing important work.  For many years it was thought that these officials were having an adventurous life in tents in the jungles till it was discovered that “Camp” meant an official tour. Now, if Vizag became the capital they would have to say that they went to Gajuwaka or Madurawada or Pineapple Colony for a camp. No sir, not impressive at all. We must never lose the opportunity to go to camping in Hyderabad or wherever the new capital may be.

Working capital

As the evening progressed some folk came up with pretty wild ideas. I do not subscribe to such outlandish notions but am mentioning it here for your incredulous consideration. Here is how the thought process went. All we need in a capital is a bit of space for our MLAs, MLCs and the administrators in the secretariat to live and work in. We must have the legislative building where the politicians can assemble and conduct the state’s business. Since the political class are so loved by all we need plenty of policemen to secure them from an excess of love. Then we need some overnight rooms for the public who have business to conduct with the MLAs and the state administration on the next day, or the day after or the day after that. Despite what we are led to believe not much else happens in a working capital.

Floating capital

Then why not lease a “pre-owned” cruise ship? I’m sorry I shocked you, please take a deep breath, sit down and read further. Just think of the advantages of a floating capital. Even a small cruise ship can accommodate more than 2,000 passengers so it will easily accommodate all the MLAs and Council members and their support staff. Since the vessel will be anchored offshore a coastguard vessels will be adequate for security, so the multitudes of policemen can all go back and serve the public as they are meant to do. The ship will be cheaper to hire and run than building a new city. It will come ready made, with living cabins, offices, kitchens, banquet halls and communication systems – all we need to do is convert the theatre space into a large assembly hall and voila you have a functioning capital. Cruise vessels spread a feeling of bonhomie and therefore business will be conducted in a cordial manner.

When the session starts the ship comes alongside, shore services are used, victuals are taken in, and the MLAs board the vessel with a sense of purpose and excitement. Then it goes out to sea and anchors there till the assembly session is over. When a citizen wishes to visit the capital, he or she just takes a ferry across from the nearest jetty. Or do a video teleconference. The best part is that this capital will be safe from bandhs, rasta rokhos and the news hungry media. If the opposition stage a walk-out, they would still be on the ship and considering the windy situation on deck, persuaded to come back to the assembly hall soon. Someone also slurred that if we had to shift the capital again, all we needed to do was just cruise to another location along the coast and drop anchor there. As the night progressed the ideas got wilder. But I was too sleepy to note them down. Looking at my jottings next morning I am beginning to wonder if I really heard all this stuff or was it just a figment of my imagination. I will never know.