Vizag's traffic eccentricities

Vizag’s roads are getting crowded by the day and what with frequent VIP visits it is never easy to keep our roads incident free. Our traffic police have a challenging job of keeping control without being overbearing. Generally speaking our drivers too are not over aggressive. They don’t go crazy with road rage, fifteen year old industrialist’s children in BMWs do not rampage around our streets and drunken actors don’t mow down labourers sleeping on pavements. They don’t show the finger, or wave their fists. In fact there is very little abusive language coming out of cars these days - with the air-conditioned and the windows up we just can’t hear them anymore. It is true that we Vizagites have a couple of stiff ones before heading home amiably from the belt shop and pay our fines quietly when caught by the ever vigilant police. While there is no empirical study Vizag drivers and riders are a civilized lot. However our city roads and our motorists have some remarkable eccentricities that need to be addressed.

Lane insane

We don’t have wide roads; even our better roads have just had two lanes each way. But even if there were six lanes, lane driving would make no sense to most drivers who weave from lane to lane quite casually. This is of course not driver’s fault alone but also because of the incredible variety of vehicular traffic that we have. The food chain starts with the big trucks and busses, the vans and passenger cars, the auto drivers, two-wheelers, the bicyclists and not to forget the small commercial “bundi” being pushed by a banana vendor. The bicyclist is a dying breed and one can hardly see them on the main roads anywhere now days unless they have come out to commit suicide. Now, in theory the slowest vehicle must be on the left and the progressively faster vehicles must move to the lanes on the right. In practice however, as there are just two or at most three lanes, everyone gravitates to the right lane because the left lane is always blocked by a bundi or by auto rickshaws picking up or dropping off passengers and the middle lane has a rumbling bus moving along slowly. Vizagites must be adept at cutting from lane to lane and look innocent when the guy you just cut-off glares at you.

The barrier warrior

A couple of decades ago steel barriers started appearing on the NH 5 (now NH 16) from Madalipalem to NAD Kotha Road. It was placed across one of the two available lanes. At that time we were told that it was meant to slow down fleeing anti-socials so that the chasing police can catch up and stop them. The barriers are still there but now it is meant to slow down traffic so pedestrians can take cover behind it as they try to cross the road. The problem is that it squeezes the two lanes into one every 500 meters or so. Since the vehicles at the rear do not know that a barrier is coming up ahead, there is quite a bit of confusion on these sections. If you have mastered the location of the barriers you will be successful in beating others across the obstacle and will be designated the “barrier warrior” of NH16.

Horn Corleone

Everyone knows that a vehicle is provided with a horn so that it may be used whether necessary or not. On a lonely road, late at night, without another vehicle in sight Horn Corleone will honk incessantly. If you have stopped for a red light and the light turns green the honker will honk instantly as if he is the only one wanting to go ahead. It has been scientifically proven that the time elapsed between the light going green and the idiot behind you blowing his horn is 3 nanoseconds. Incidentally 1 nanosecond is one thousand-millionth of a second. The driver behind you will blow his horn even if there is nowhere for you to go. In circumstances like this I suggest that you give the offender an offer he can’t refuse. Squeeze to the side and stop to let him get ahead, then follow him closely honking in the same irritating way he did. The revenge is very satisfying indeed.

Get that pedestrian!

You’ve just returned from a stint abroad and are driving like a gentleman. Believe me that gentlemanly behaviour won’t last long. If you stop for that old lady and children to cross the road the guy behind you will tail end you in a jiffy or he will blow his horn angrily and call you an idiot. Stopping for mere pedestrians? In the busiest parts of Vizag for example near Dabagardens, RTC complex or NAD Kotha Road we have little or no footpaths. Consequently kids going to school and people walking from bus stands to places of work have to dodge a variety of vehicles as they negotiate our roads. Dutt island junction is particularly nasty to pedestrians. On one of my evening walks I stood at the pedestrian crossing and implored the policeman to stop vehicles so I may cross the road. He looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone knows that those funny white lines on the road are where you can hassle a pedestrian. I have been thinking of carrying a collapsible stick with a large red flag and a STOP sign on my walks. Perhaps a khaki uniform may also help. In fact it could be a micro business renting it out at intersections.

Doubts about roundabouts

Roundabouts are a mystery for Vizag drivers. It doesn’t have a signal and everyone just rushes into it hoping to intimidate their way through. The right-of-way rule specifies that we must give way to vehicles coming from the right. Unfortunately not one roundabout has a clear signage saying this. Our roundabouts are a free for all. Bluster, brinkmanship and bullying are the norm. If you are timid you will be waiting for ever to get across a roundabout. You must be like Rajinikanth. Don’t look left or right just drive into that damn roundabout with a prayer and determination. You will hear many squealing brakes and loud expletives behind you but don’t bother you are the lord of the roundabout and you are authorised to spread a little mayhem. Of course it helps if you have a big intimidating vehicle.

Flagging the issues

Yesterday our high tech traffic monitoring system was inaugurated in Vizag. This will certainly help keep an eye on traffic offenders but the road engineering needs vast improvement and our eccentric drivers need some therapy. Driving in Vizag’s crowded city areas is always an adventure. To survive one needs some special skills, being patient and defensive is part of the deal. Till then I am not taking any chances. I am going out to see if I can get a used battle tank, a big red flag, a large stop sign and that fake khaki uniform.